Witt tuition raises 410 percent for 2006-07 term

George W. Bush, Tony Blair blamed in latest oil scheme

By: Phoebe Gaston

Posted: 3/30/06

Pack your suitcases and order copies of your transcripts, people; it's time to get out while it's still (kind of) cheap.

Due to abnormally high oil requests overseas, and empty promises made by the United States government, billions of dollars are being taken away from private companies all over the nation to help pay the balance owed to foreign oil companies. This includes taking scholarship and grant money away from students at private universities to pay for federal mistakes. In effect, Wittenberg will see a tuition increase of 410 percent.

President George W. Bush seems to think this is the way to go to solve the money problem. Others, includng many outspoken Wittenberg students, don't.

"Wittenberg told me they aren't giving out financial aid next year," said junior math major, Pisstoff McGrr. "I have to switch schools if I want to graduate!"

Many other students are in an uproar about the increase of tuition from approximately $36,000 a year to over $150,000 next year. They are so mad, in fact, that they plan to protest the huge jump in price by pulling every fire alarm on campus all night long, every hour on the hour.

"We're gonna set off alarms until it rings a bell in someone's head that we won't pay!" said freshman Angrie Atchya, a resident of South Hall.

In other words, residence hall residents, keep your earplugs handy.

When asked for comment, Wittenberg President Mark Erickson said there is nothing he can do to stop the federal government from imposing these fees. Erickson said he even tried to convince British Prime Minister Tony Blair to forgive and forget, but the prime minister wasn't having it.

"You promised us the bloody money," said Blair. "We don't want to lose everything from you again!"

Some put blame on President Bush.

"That stupid man probably just added wrong when he promised them so much oil," said one critic, Haddee Nuff, a sophomore Economics major. "It was just an unrealistic goal, and now we're all suffering because of it."

Defendants of the president say it's not the president's fault that demand suddenly jumped so high. In any case, the campus is certainly a-buzz about next year's grim situation.

"This is something Dr. Tiffany definitely did not teach us," said Nuff.